Blair to be sponsored by BP

Oil company endorses PM, War in Iraq

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

LONDON, UK

The British Petroleum Corporation became the official sponsor of Prime Minister Tony Blair and the War in Iraq on Monday, marking the first time a British official has been officially sponsored whilst in office.

"I think you all can join me in appreciating this moment," declared the Prime Minister in a press conference Monday morning. "It's truly a match made in heaven."

Conservative MPs were quick to criticise Blair, stating that BP stock was primarily held by foreigners and that strategy in Iraq was poorly executed. They argued that Iraqis should be deemed subjects once again, and that British objectives there should be the beginning of a recolonisation effort on the part of the Crown. They also accused Blair of selling out to corporate interests.

Blair denied being influenced by international capitalism or a larger American agenda. However, the Prime Minister has expressed gratitude after receiving the sponsorship of the powerful energy company, including hundreds of thousands of pounds Sterling in unmarked twenty pound notes.

Bush: 'Hurricanes Hate Freedom'

President calls for a moratorium on
Weather of Mass Destruction

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

CAMP DAVID, MARYLAND

In a speech described by experts as "historic" and "legendary," President Bush called on all nations Sunday to condemn Weather of Mass Destruction and renounce global warming.

"The hurricanes hate us for our freedoms," the President said. "We will attack these hurricanes where they strike, making no distinction between the hurricanes, and those who are struck by them." His speech was part of a broader agenda, underlining American resolve in winning the war against states with WMD.

The President went on to say that the government will find the hurricane victims where they hide and "starve 'em out," possibly by refusing aide and food supplies for days after the initial event. "Make no mistake," Bush said, "we will find those who help and protect victims of hurricanes and the hurricanes themselves." The statement was intended to justify the slow federal response to Hurricanes Katrina and Wilma, as well as to warn states like Cuba, suspected of using WMD technology against the United States.

The speech came as tensions mounted between the United States and Cuba. Ambassador John Bolton accused Havana last week of harboring Weather of Mass Destruction. The CIA has also recently learned that Cuba was seeking to buy large quantities of salt from Venezuela. Salt has been known to cause storms to grow more intense when dropped into clouds by aircraft. Cuba has also been known to have as many as three aircraft.

Rove sent to Gitmo for further questioning

White House official to be beaten ruthlessly into confession

ALAIN TERRIEUR
La Lune de la presse internationale

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA

Top presidential advisor Karl Rove arrived at Guantanamo Bay naval base in Cuba, otherwise known as Gitmo, for an intensive, three day detainment starting Monday morning.

Rove, suspected of knowingly outing a covert CIA operative to retaliate for cricitcism against the White House, will be thoroughly beaten and humiliated for several days while he is subsequently starved and made to urinate on himself.

"This is just standard operating procedure," said an unnamed Marine working as an interrogator. "We bring 'em in, break 'em down, and tell them they're worthless human beings."

Some commentators have found it ironic that Bush administration officials would be held under the same inhumane, cruel and un-American conditions that they helped to promote.

Rove is expected to leave Wednesday, hopefully after divulging more information that will be of use to Federal Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald. The information he admits to under extreme, torturous conditions may prove useful in indentifying the real source of the CIA leak.

Libby risks death penalty in Plame case

Fitzgerald could seek firing squad for treason

Alain Terrieur
La lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Federal prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald could seek the death penalty against defendant Scooter Libby if he decides to bring treason charges against the former White House counsel. Other officials could also face death by firing squad if found to be guilty of high crimes of treason against the United States of America.

Fitzgerald, along with other federal prosecutors through grand jury indictments, must first prove that Bush administration officials knowlingly released the name of a covert CIA operative for political purposes. Once the government officials, going as high as the President of the United States himself, were found guilty of treason, they could be executed by firing squad, electrocution or lethal injection.

Moreover, since the crimes took place in Washington, D.C., which is technically not a state, constitutional restrictions on "cruel and unusual punishment" do not apply to guilty administration officials. A similar argument was used in actively torturing detainees at Guantanomo Bay naval base in Cuba. Therefore, if the death penalty were granted by a judge and jury, administration officials such as Cheney and Bush could first be legally tortured using dogs, stress positions and self-defecation techniques.

It is perhaps too early to say what torture techniques will be used on the President. Congressional Democrats may put the House and Senate to a vote to decide on what kind of torture would be most appropriate.

"We've been tortured under Bush for the last five years," said Senator Phil Ibuster (D-Minnesota) on Wednesday's Colbert Report. "Now it's our turn to enforce real American values."

President Bush urged calm on Saturday, saying that "it's time for Americans to turn their other cheek. I turned another cheek, and now you all should too." His quasi-religious discourse might be intended to deflect criticism stemming from Wilma, Rita, Katrina, Plame, Harriet Miers, Iraq, Afghanistan, the 911 Commission, pre-Iraq intelligence, the Patriot Act, the No Child Left Behind Act, the withdrawals from the Kyoto Accords, the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty, and the still unexplained collapse of the World Trade Center, to note only the most cited.

Hurricane Wilma, Katrina blamed on Cuba

Washington accuses communist state of using weather of mass destruction

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la Presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The Bush Administration accused Cuba on Thursday of causing the devastation from Hurricane Katrina by using secret technology to increase the hurricanes' speed and affect its path.

This new "environmental terrorism" is the result of ecotechnology used in weapons manufactured in Havana. "We know where these weapons are," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld on Wednesday. "They're in Havana and the areas surrounding it."

These new, possibly damning charges come with new intelligence from CIA and FBI sources, citing Havana as a hothouse of weather of mass destruction (WMD) technology research and development. Showing recent sattelite photos in front of the UN Thursday afternoon, American ambassador John Bolton showed how Cuba used its WMD. He argued Cuba veered the storms using such Cuban technological breakthroughs as ballistic barrometric artillery and deep sea thermo-generators, causing them to target American coasts and the vital oil and tourism infrastructure there.

Moreover, Cuba has been hiding this technology from UN inspectors for years. Bolton called for a UN resolution, with the goal of later ignoring its obsolescence, condemning Cuban ecoterrorism and demanding military intervention.

It was too early to ascertain the reaction of the Bush administration, which is dealing with other scandals. White House Spokesman Scott McLellan brushed aside criticism about hurricane response, blaming the Cubans for environmental terrorism. He also pointed out the success of the recent referendum in Iraq, in which Iraqis chose their new state quarter design. There were widespread accusations of fraud due to the 99% yes vote in certain provinces. A White House investigation lasted several days and found no discrepancies.

Suspected motives for the communist country to attack the US with WMD include sabotaging the US tourist industry to promote more "sexual tourism" within Cuba. The Bush Administration has long accused citizens of Cuba of regularly having sex.

Bush has yet to say how he will respond to the shocking new intelligence showing WMD in Cuba. Possible options include everything from destroying the country entirely with nuclear weapons to destroying the country entirely with conventional weapons. The Pentagon has also suggested expanding the Guantanamo Bay prison to accomodate the Cuban population. They would then be slowly directed to special "camps" where highly trained guards would teach them to appreciate and accept American values such as freedom and democracy.